I can’t always carve out writing time to offer a worthy response to the emails and contacts I get. But the efforts of these students merited something more than a short note of thanks and appreciation. I thought I’d share my response to them with the rest of you. Perhaps it will be of some value to those of you who teach Neither Wolf nor Dog in your classes.

It’s a long read, so get your cup of coffee.

Here goes:

To my friends in Mr. Davis’ class,

What an interesting and diverse set of responses. You must have some pretty lively discussions in your class. If you don’t, it isn’t for lack of opinions and thoughtfulness. You’re obviously a good group.

I’m going to give you some general thoughts that were keyed by your insights.

First, let me say a bit about America and our culture. We are optimistic and pragmatic almost to a fault. There is an underlying assumption that there is an answer to any question and that a critique is deficient if it does not point to instrumental corrective action. Consequently, knowledge is valued directly in proportion to the degree it points a direction for a constructive response.

Personally, I’m not in this camp, and, I think I am safe in saying, neither was Dan. Sadly, by my/our lights, there is knowledge that simply increases our quality of insight about ourselves, our society, and the human condition. Knowing about the state of the American Indian may be one example of such knowledge. There may be nothing we can do other than be aware of what our presence on this continent has wrought. This is not to say that we shouldn’t work for good and for betterment. But it is to say that there may not be a way to rectify past wrongs beyond having them serve as a kind of dark knowledge that guides our footsteps into the future. I’m not saying I believe this entirely, but I do believe that a cultural critique such as Dan’s is not the lesser for not providing a specific and positive roadmap to a more benevolent and healthier future.

We, as members of the dominant, or, at least, the dominating culture, do not have to feel guilt at what happened in the past. We merely have to feel responsibility for it as it impacts the present and the future. Power is real, and the powerless rely on those of us who can effect change to do so, even if that change is only in attitudes. Sometimes cultural movement does not take place in a decade or even a generation. But that does not negate the importance of acting for change and betterment.

So, what do I think that change and betterment should be, especially if I don’t see any clear path to instrumental action?

Part of it – the easy part – is recognition. We can’t go around naming towns “Chivington” (check him out if you don’t know who he is) any more than we can go around naming towns “Hitler.” We can’t go looking for racism under every rock when we don’t stand up against a symbol like the logo of the Cleveland Indians or a name like the Washington Redskins. Don Imus got run out of town for his “Nappy headed Ho” comment, yet the Cleveland Indian logo proudly graces the apparel of one of our major sports teams. If one is wrong, why not the other? If voices are raised in outrage about one, why not about the other?

There are myriad instances of such blind spots, and Dan, for his part, pointed out many of them. Some of you thought his critiques were riddled with similar blind spots. Maybe so. But disregarding his observations because you saw fallacies in his logic is a classic example of disregarding the message because of the flaws of the messenger.

I, for my part, thought he had a lot of very cogent insights, or I wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of writing the book. Did he generalize about white people? Yes. But often when you are a minority it is possible to feel the presence of a cultural wave crashing against you, and it is more difficult to differentiate individuals from that cultural wave. So, for my part, I think we need to cut him some slack.

Do you generalize about Republicans? Democrats? People from another high school? Iranians? Gays? The soldiers of Blackwater? Hollywood morals? We simply cannot deal with the world without making generalizations and categorizations. It is the nature of thought and language to find patterns and discuss things in relation to those patterns. The key is to know that they are constructs, not reality. But if the shoe fits, wear it. Dan put all of us in the same shoe. It is not universally fair, but it is not entirely false, either. Consider, for example, his thoughts on the way we deal with language or race. Are there not some grounds for his generalizations in those two instances? And there were many others.

I was very taken by the observation one of you made that Dan went from being a uni-cultural loyalist to a multi-cultural humanist. I had never heard those terms before, but they are very valuable, and I think they do apply to Dan as he unravels his thoughts for us. Simply put, he was casting about for a way to make the decimation of his people meaningful. Is this so much different from the sad struggles of the parents of soldiers killed in Iraq to give meaning to their sons’ and daughters’ deaths in a meaningless and unnecessary war? We all want to think that the sacrifices made by people we love had meaning. Would you not struggle to find meaning to an act that resulted in your grandmother being murdered or your little sister being taken away to a boarding school where she died in unclear circumstances? Of such things have the daily lives of Indian people been made, and they, like all of us, struggle to give meaning to those seemingly incomprehensible acts.

Now, consider if the agents of those crimes against your family were the relatives and ancestors of the very people who control the society you live in, and you can see easily why Dan said that Indian people did not dare to look squarely at what had been done to them. His choice, and it seems to me a good one, was to look for a larger philosophical or theological meaning behind the sacrifice of his peoples’ lives and culture. And, speaking personally, I hope he’s right, for I, too, carry in my heart the stain of our immigrant decimation of the Indian people, even if I am not personally responsible for what occurred.

There is much more I could say. But I will close with a thought that kept rising up in me when I reread your excellent essays: claiming that the individual is free and that we should both act and judge only as individuals is a proposition most easily embraced by “victor” cultures that are on the top of the economic and cultural wheel of life. It is easy for each of us to critique anything that groups us with others (e.g., “white culture” in Dan’s words), and it is easy for us to say that Dan’s sense of cultural oppression is something that he should transcend rather than dwell upon.

But the real world of every day affairs is not so simple.

I am sorry to say that none among us is free from the taint of ascribing certain values to certain cultures/groups, no matter how much we might wish or claim to be. And none of us is free from the shaping factors of our own cultural experience, even if we don’t wish to be. To give just the crudest example, those of us who speak English articulate the world in terms of subjects and objects and we nuance our understanding by creating specificity through adjectives and adverbs. Subjects act upon objects; subjects and objects become more individualized by the laying on of distinguishing characteristics. That’s the way we are; that’s the way we think. We can rail against it, but we can’t do a whole lot to change it.

We also are prone to thinking that the individual is the both the most fundamental and inviolable element in human culture. And the whole goal of the U.S. government over the years has been to force the Indian to think of him or herself as, first and foremost, an individual rather than as a part of a group. It is important for us to realize that this is not an absolute truth, but a philosophical construct. Just because we want to be understood as individuals does not mean everyone wants to be understood as an individual. Some people want to put the family above the individual; others want to put the entire group above the individual. And people who choose to think this way are not necessarily either brainwashed or naïve. They just choose to see the world through a different set of eyes.

What I’m getting at here is that you need to be aware of some of the deeper suppositions and presuppositions on which both your own and Dan’s opinions are based. You need to be as careful about examining your own suppositions and presuppositions as you are about judging Dan’s. That is what becoming educated is all about. There are a thousand ways to make distinctions on which one can build opinions and judgments: liberal/conservative; optimistic/pessimistic; socialist/capitalist; individual/collective; etc., etc. But those distinctions, and most others, are, at best, useful. They are not necessarily true. We tend to be a people drawn to dualisms like those above. They make things simple and understandable. But we must not mistake the valid for the true.

Dan speaks from a lifetime of experience and he shapes his understanding based on that experience. It is ultimately less important whether or not he is right than whether or not he gives us insight into a way of understanding that a number of people hold. Once we can begin to share that understanding, if only for the purposes of seeing into the hearts and minds of another, we are on the way to reconciliation and healing. If we have to go more than half way, so be it. How to act upon that understanding is another thing altogether.

Each generation gets its own challenge, and very often part of that challenge is to provide a corrective to the excesses of the previous generation. The obsession with “self” has dominated the American intellectual landscape almost since our national inception, but never more than in the past fifty years. Dan has given you a look into the world of the “other.” Your challenge, and the challenge of your generation, is not to pass judgment on Dan or others like him, but to learn from him and to pass that learning along.

Do not worry about what this means specifically. Each of your lives will take a unique course, and a moment will arise when you act upon that learning. Just carry Dan’s words in your heart, discarding the inconsistencies and forgiving the excesses. Then you, too, will be a fire carrier for his message. It’s a worthy burden to bear.

My best to each of you, and my deepest respect for your hard work on Neither Wolf nor Dog. It is a gift to me and an honor to Dan. Try to live your lives with kindness, and follow the path with heart.

Kent Nerburn

I truly hope so. I want to believe that the excitement that travelers from other countries feel as they enter into the United States is supported and reinforced by the welcome they receive as they step off the plane. This is a wonderful country, and it should welcome and embrace travelers. As Emma Lazarus’ famous poem says, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free . . .”

Most travelers entering our country are neither poor nor huddled masses, but they are assuredly all tired. We need to meet them as we would meet them if they arrived at the door of our homes, excited about a visit.

I told you I would post a few of the responses I received as to why readers appreciated/liked Small Graces. As I noted in an earlier blog post, you did not see them when they were posted because I had to cull them out of hundreds of inexcusable spamming posts for online casinos, viagra, and mortgage refinancings.

These are a few snippets from what I received:

. . . caught my eye – it was such a pretty book. And I liked the title.

. . . Profound lessons in simple but beautiful language, person to person.

. . .reaffirms that gratitude itself is the grand prize . That which leads us to this end, be it a new Corvette, a good cup of coffee on cool summer morning, or (for me today) an arthritic joint which choose to be quite, are merely a means, a path to a place of spirit, that place universally sought.

. . . The writing style fits the subject matter (good, clear poetic prose is hard to come by).

. . .short enough, that if you give it to someone , you might expect it to be read rather than put on a shelf. Also, you write to the normal, sensitive , intelligent person a lot of us want to be. You stop and lift a coffee cup early in the morning, communion, thank you.

. . . It’s me. I do belong to organized religion but I find God in the ordinary… in people in nature. I always think about your story of the woman with the light in the AM.. I have been watching “The era of rising affluence” which is not where I need to be, because I don’t fit there. kept me appreciating the gift God gave me of being able to find the beauty in the little things. It brought tears to my eyes this morning and still does to get back to thinking this way again, because no way of my life is the grand way. I believe in the quiet God, in finding God in others. Keep writing, I love how you experience and see life and are gifted to be able to speak it so eloquintly, yet so simple. I really need to stay connected with the simple life, yet I tend to complicate things. In AA we talk about arising and how necessary it is to find God immediately so as not to let our minds start to race and be concerned and how it starts out our day… Your philosophy of living is to me, just the way AA and Alanon teaches us

. . . such wisdom, and true heart

. . . I like the universal appeal of the subject matter: life, nature, love

. . . a book of quiet tenderness.

. . . exposed to me things I have in my life I didn’t realize or took for granted.

. . . Simple book written with great perception.

. . . Many ways to direct our thoughts that are more useful.

. . . Liked simplicity, meditation.

. . . Not a self-help book.

. . . everyday ordinary in-your-life things or happenings made extraordinary by having an “attitude of gratitude”

. . . a spiritual, non-prescriptive dose of calm that heals the soul.

I cannot tell you how helpful all these responses are. There have been others equally as valuable, but I haven’t yet reduced them all to small epigrammatic statements that I can use to define a single, central theme. That is my goal.

As you can tell, I’m thinking about another book. The Joseph project continues, but it has been one long arm wrestling match between my point of view and my editor’s. I will keep you updated as I proceed — and rest assured that it still occupies almost all of my days and nights. But the idea of a new Small Graces-like project has been growing in me as an intellectual and spiritual respite from this fascinating but tedious struggle with the book on Chief Joseph and the Nez Perce.

Keep your thoughts on Small Graces coming. I try to write a quick “thank you” to everyone who writes. Just know that the best way to get your thoughts through is to use the form on the Contact Me page.

Keep writing. I love hearing from you.

As part of a creative writing class, I have had the opportunity to read some of the selections from your book, “Letters to my Son.” My instructor, Tim Herbst, has asked me to forward a piece or writing in response to what I read.

I think the selection I read from was extraordinary. I read it and took in a lot. I read the section about bad things happening in life. I even talked about it at the dinner table that night. I took in a lot and it gave me a new way of looking at the way you can make the best of a bad situation occurring in your life. For the course, I was recently asked to write a letter to a parent, which is similar to the ones you wrote to your son.

Mom and Dad,

I am asked to teach you guys a little something about how to be more laid back in your parenting. I really think you two are way to strict with me. It obviously doesn’t teach me anything. I don’t have the guts to stand up and say it, but I suppose I will do it now.

I really think the way you guys discipline me is really wrong. I think its too harsh, and it doesn’t make any sense. I can see Dad, that maybe this is the way you were brought up, to have the utmost respect for your parents, and that discipline was really hard in your time, but this isn’t the way things work now. I don’t want to be brought up the way you were.

Just because things were that way, back then, doesn’t mean this is what I have to live with right now. I am old enough to start making my own decisions. I don’t need you guys watching me and spying on me and crossing my boundaries every second of the day. It’s wrong and everyone I talk to about it says the same thing as me. I don’t want your life. There are many ways you can do better of this subject. You can let me have more opportunities to have a life.

Let me see the world beyond the inside of the house. I want to get old, and have something good to dwell on, although its too late now. You don’t have to be so tough on me. If you aren’t, I would probably work better with you. I would be able to handle you better and get along with you more.

I also don’t appreciate you doing room searches on me. I would respect you more if you respect me, and ruining my privacy isn’t doing that.

Just as long as we’re on the subject, I wanted to tell you that I can’t wait until I am eighteen to get out of your life, and the way you want it to be. Because I don’t want to be who you are now, or once were. Thank you for your time, or what you have left of it for me.

Tomer

——————————————————————————–

Dear Mr. Nerburn,

I thought the letters were well written, in the simplest of forms and easy to understand. You tackled some tougher issues in society, and you did it with grace and poetic style. The letters were true to life, as well, hitting on some otherwise missed opportunities in life.

I was asked by my teacher to write a letter to my parents, much like you wrote letters to your son. The letter follows. I thank you for taking the time to read this.

Dear Parents,

I am but a child and I feel silly giving advice to you of all people, for it seems you should be giving it to me. Maybe you have forgotten some things concerning life. Maybe you need to be reminded of the simple things which I feel I am awakened to in my teenage years. I am being awakened to the world and marvel in all that I notice and see.

I want to tell you to not to be wrapped up in the business of the world. For I know that it is a hectic ball of threads winding through each other and around, especially for you. I know that no one has the time anymore to smell the flowers and if you do you’ll be trampled down by others. I know that we get up so early that it certainly isn’t ‘bright and early.’ I also know you need to stop and smell the flowers, and sleep in once in awhile so it is bright out. You need to enjoy the pleasures of dwelling in someone else’s life through written stories. You need to stare up at the stars and know how insignificant you are and how significant you are at the same time. You need to feel like rippling waves upon an ocean when music taps upon your ear drum.

These are the native sides of our lives and we need them just as much as we need food and water. Often they can be confused with other joys of life which certainly are, but are not quite the same (joys such as shopping, watching your favorite television show, watching cheesy movies, and and chowing down a bowl of chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream). These are joys that are but do not give us that same sense of fullness.

Our society has become a raging river which pulses forward faster and faster with every second. Soon we will be an ocean, consuming a once dry land. Your life is wound up in work, daycare, laundry, cleaning, fixing, driving, and stress. Sometimes no matter how blessed and rich we are in this great country we are not as in tune with ourselves and our lives as someone with not one penny who lives simply in Africa. We need to continue to use our sense of wonder, which, as Einstien said, “is my sense of God.” I know you go to church and think and ponder on the sermons. And they do count, but there is more to be enjoyed in life. More to ponder, more to stare at, and more to be moved by.

I wish you would not forget the flowers. And sometimes I know it is very hard to remember and even more to make a detour, but I also know that it is worth it and you feel more revived afterwards.

Michelle

——————————————————————————–

Dear Mr. Nerburn,

I thought your writing was really good. I thought there were lots of good insights and I found it enjoyable to read. I pointed out new ways of looking at things which I hadn’t thought of before. It was basically telling me things I thought I already knew, but it presented all of these in a totally new way, which made so much sense to me.

As part of this assignment, I was asked to write a letter to one of my parents which would follow a similar outline to the letters you wrote in your book.

It would be the same idea as your book, only in reverse. Here is a copy of my letter.

Essay to my Parents: Time

We are all busy. That is no secret. We are the modern, twenty-first century family which means we all have a lot of things to do and most of the time it seems like there just aren’t enough hours in the day. I barely get to see you guys anymore, and when I do get to spend time with you we are both so tired from running around that we just want to sit there and not talk.

Some people claim high school is one of the easiest and most fun times of your life, and you will always remember how much fun you had. I agree with them, mostly. I disagree when they say high school is so easy. High school has changed a lot since you spent time in one. Most high school students wake up and then have to go to school for seven hours a day. After that, some have to go to work, while others have sports’ practices or art activities such as drama or band practice. Add to that having to do homework and most of us enjoy going out and being with friends and most high schoolers I know are busier than their parental counter-parts. I mean, when was the last time you had a fifteen hour day for three days in a row?

I have some friends who demonstrate my point perfectly. One of my friends is really smart and works really hard in school. She is also on the diving team and doesn’t get home from school until seven o’clock. After that she has four classes of homework that she has to do. She told me each class takes her about an hour to finish. When all is said and done, most days she has things to do for seventeen hours.

This isn’t meant to be disrespectful to parents. I realize that you work very hard and, if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be where I am today. But parents have to realize that most teenagers have schedules so packed with stuff to do, they barely have time to do anything we would do for fun. Most students usually enjoy doing what we do, but sometimes it just becomes too much and we need to take a break from things. If sometimes, I come home and appear angry or if I seem frustrated, it is probably just the fact that I’ve have had a long day and I want to just relax. If you keep asking me what is wrong, that will only frustrate me even more, especially if all I want is to be left alone for a while. That isn’t to say all I want to do when I get home is be by myself, but it’s nice to have some down time when I can just talk to my friends, watch T.V., or listen to music. You can be assured I will finish my homework, do chores, and finish whatever I need to do, but it’s always nice to have a break, and I’m sure you, of all people, realize that.

We all have things to do, and most days are good days, but if there is one thing I can tell you, it is to relax. I will finish my homework and do all the things required of me. Remember though, everyone needs some time to just have fun. You may think what I do is really easy, and maybe it was for you, but it takes a lot of energy for me when I work hard, so try to give me a hand.

Thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely,

Ryan

——————————————————————————–

Dear Mr. Nerburn,

I thought that your book was very well done. It analyzed and answered all of the questions any rational being would have about life. Although I never got around to reading the whole book, from what I read (about half the book), I did learn some important lessons that I had never thought about before.

I have been asked to write (and have written) a letter of advice to my parents, not unlike the ones to your son. Here is what I wrote to my PU’s (Parental Units):

Some advice about Parenting

Dear Mom and Dad,

All right, you know that I know absolutely nothing about parenting, except it’s probably pretty stressful and expensive, but also rewarding. Since you’ve put up with me and my shenanigans for so long, I’ve decided to recognize your great work by preaching to you about parenting. Okay, so I don’t know everything about parenting, but I will offer you some advice from the eyes of a child. All this advice is only based on what I have observed you guys doing.

First, always be patient, and keep a cool head. Whether this may be if your young four-year-old flushes your Space Quest One game down the toilet, or accidentally forgets his racing spikes at home before a big race, keep a cool head! We all make mistakes, and we know what we did wrong. Getting real angry at us won’t really do any good, unless we’re too dense and don’t realize what we did. Also, when we’re late to get to the car for school, let us take care of ourselves (unless you’re driving). We can take the consequences at school if we are late.

However, don’t take this to mean that you shouldn’t discipline your children. We need discipline. If we weren’t disciplined, we wouldn’t become very rational human beings. We wouldn’t know what the difference would be between right and wrong, what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. We wouldn’t become very successful human beings, either, since it would take a long time for us to figure out we wouldn’t always get what we wanted.

Which brings me to my next topic. I’m really glad that you didn’t spoil us; well, not too much, at least. Yeah, you both have been there for me when I’ve needed you, you’ve given me a good, comfortable life, but you never gave in to all my demands, like sleep-overs. Although I have resented that a little, I’ve learned that you don’t always get what you want, which is important, because the people that do think that are usually weiners.

Another important aspect of parenting is love, acceptance, and encouragement. This is something that you both have done very well. You’ve always given plenty of love to me, Paul, and Stephen, and we’ve all been very grateful for it. Do not for one moment think that you’ve been unsuccessful parents; you’ve given us the most important thing in the universe. Also, you’ve taught me to believe in myself, and that has allowed me to do things I would have found very difficult without your encouragement. Who would have thought that I would have been getting an A in my Euro class? Who would have thought that I would have broken 18:00 for a 5k race this year? I did! And you helped me believe that!

So, that’s what I’ve learned about parenting. I can’t thank you enough for your help and guidance, mom and dad.

Thank you for your time,

Andy

——————————————————————————–

Dear Mr. Nerburn,

I thought your book was very well written and clear and precise on its advise. The two sections I especially enjoyed were war, because it didn’t take any sides or didn’t tell you any definite solution just the logic between the sides and to consequences of those. The other was the Blue Moment, It was inspiring and a great story with a lesson vital to happiness in life. It was amazing how such a abstract idea could be so simple when given a name.

For class we were assigned to write a letter to our parents similar to the writings in your book. Our instructor has asked us to email you our letter to our parents

Dear Pops

Your Girlfriend is fun but so is the Renaissance Festival. Thanksgiving in Bemidji is neat but, chilling with my friends at home is too. Going to our Cabin is cool too but, so is telling me ahead of time so I can get off work.

Basically what I’m trying to say is you do your best to show us a good time but, you never ask us what we were maybe thinking of doing, or let us show you a good time.

When was the last time you asked me where I wanted to go over a holiday, or for vacation. When was the last time I got to have a say in what’s going down on the weekend. I can’t say this is true all the time, though.

I sometimes disagree with you, so listen and I’ll tell you my concerns.

Thanks,

-Jon-

——————————————————————————–

Dear Mr. Nerburn,

I find that each passage I read in the book holds true on every level it was meant to. Your perspective on life is one I feel I could adopt after some more reading. In class we were assigned various chapters during he class period. I am near done with the whole book. Your chapters have shed a new light on my world. It it a light that I have always known was there, and your book has revealed it to me.

As an assignment in class we were asked to write a letter to our parents in the same essay format that is used in your book. I want to give you a copy of this essay.

Clayton

We fight a lot. About really silly things sometimes. But that doesn’t change the way we feel. I know I could be better, more organized, nicer. The other day we were arguing about my room (of all things) and you told me that you don’t want me living like a pig. We got so angry at each other over such a stupid thing. Then you’ll say,” if it’s so stupid, then why don’t you just do it?” I know I’m stubborn, and I don’t think I got it from you. There are so many things about me which I owe to you. And aside from that, the simple fact that you’re my Mom is enough for me to unconditionally do any and all you set before me. But there are so many things which have been set before me which I am sometimes overwhelmed.

You need to know I am not always doing what I think is best. Sometimes I take advantage of the fact that I know you won’t get that mad, so I bend the rules. This is my opportunity to set the record straight.

I have been growing lately. Growing into a man. I know I’m far from it, but I’m beginning to realize more about myself. These new revelations about abilities and restrictions have allowed me to pave a relatively clear path into my future. But there are a few things I want to tell you about. The plans I have made for the future are still sketchy. I think I need you now more than ever. I feel like I will soon be asking you for advice about things I have never cared about in the past. I am afraid of things that will come in the future, but I am convinced that I can handle it. I just don’t know what to do right now. We’ve got our differences.

I think that I need to spend more time understanding the point of view that you guys hold towards things. So, in time, I too will want my room cleaned as badly as you do. I love my parents, and I know they love me.

Clayton

——————————————————————————–

Dear Mr. Nerburn,

I truthfully believe that your book can help out a lot of lost souls that don’t know some of the easy and not so easy steps of life. I read the “Spiritual Journey” section, and it really explained what I believed. It gives teenagers, as well as younger children, an open opinion that is neither strict, nor boring. I thank you dearly for writing your opinions and experiences in life for all to read, because your words can truly help people.

Our teacher has assigned us to write a letter to our parents and give them advice on parenting. I chose the topic of motivation. Several students have read it and gave me good ratings, and I hope you can give me some helpful criticism as well. I have attached a copy of the letter to this e-mail.

Sincerely,

Yelena

Dear Mom and Dad,

Motivation is a big issue in a teenager’s life. You may not know it, but we really do listen to you. A lot of times, parents will say something that seems innocent, but haunts the teenager’s life throughout their years. Something as simple as, “Stop acting stupid” can be totally flipped around. In a teenagers mind, this may flip to “I am stupid” then to “Stupid people are worthless”, and then to “If I am stupid then why do anything?” and finally to “I am worthless and meaningless in my parent’s eyes.” I know this may be hard to comprehend because you hate looking through the eyes of a person that lived in a total different time, with total different issues.

At this point in our life, many issues in life are agitating. School is stressful, pressure is bothersome, and hormones are crazy. It’s heaven for those who have parents that are easy going and understanding, but imagine the burden of parents mixed in with all the other stresses that we have already. Although you may think that we hate you, we don’t! All we are trying to do is get through our life without ruining yours and at the same time try to please you at least a bit. In your teenage years, you might have been saying “Thanks Dad, this is the greatest bike ever!” So you go out and buy us, your sweetest child, a brand new bike, and we say “Thanks… gatta go…” This could make any adult furious and then you may question how we got so spoiled. But you have to realize, we live with what we are presented in life and as money gradually loses value, so does the value of personal belongings. Having a car at the age of sixteen, in your opinion, is crazy! So you yell and refuse to buy one for us. Commonly, we will get frustrated and explain to you that everyone has one. The fact is, having a car or any other such material good, in this day in age, is like owning toothpaste. I know that may sound a bit exaggerated, and in fact, it is, but all I am trying to do, is get the point across.

You might be wondering why I journeyed onto the topic of being spoiled, when were talking about motivation. The main connection is, that understanding our world better will help you, likewise, to relate to us better. When you relate to us better, you can see the world through our eyes just a little bit better, and that already loosens some stress on our part.

As for motivation, understanding us better will help you choose your words and comments wiser. Meanwhile, we will try our best to understand you. How does that sound? We do love you after all.

Your daughter,

Yelena

——————————————————————————–

Dear Mr. Nerburn,

I have not read your entire book yet, but I plan to. I found it to be very moving, informative, and honest. I learned a lot from your book, and it really made me think. I feel that it could spark many necessary conversations between children and their parents. I would like to hear many of my parents views, opinions, and stories about many of the topics you chose to write about in your book.

My assignment was to write an essay to my parents about anything I want to tell them.

For my parents

There are certain roles in my life that a parent needs to fill. They should always be supportive, understanding, fair, and caring. There are also certain things that they should provide, such as their help, advice, opinion, and protection. I feel that both of you have gone above and beyond these so called “guidelines” of mine to raise me. I have always been unique, and sometimes needed a little more attention, help, or answers than some others.

It is very meaningful and heartening for me to look back on the 16 years I have lived so far, and realize how there for me you guys have been through some of my struggles. I know that you put in more time than you could for me when I got very sick. I also know that you still do, taking me to more doctors appointments than most people need, helping me remember things I wouldn’t remember otherwise, such as pills and vitamins, and what I need to eat. You also put up with my complaining and fulfill my needs every time I get sick.

Beyond that, you guys give me respect. Instead of questioning me, or making me fend for myself when I informed you guys that I was going vegan, you supported me and took me to nutritionists, and co-ops, and helped me read up on how to stay healthy. When everyone said that someone with as many health problems as me should not go vegan, you guys realized how passionate I was about it, and helped me stay healthy. When everyone said the same thing about my health, and playing rugby, you guys let me give it a try.

This I know is because you have faith in me, and that is something that I feel is more valuable than anything else. When a child knows their parents actually do have faith and trust in them, it seems they tend to be more trustworthy. The way you both have never lectured me or told me what to do or who to be plays a large role in why I have really never had any desire to rebel. I want you to always be able to trust me as much as I know you always want to be able to trust me.

A teacher of mine asked the class the question “How is your home life?” the other day. We were all sitting in a large round group, discussing our home life, and when it came my turn to answer, it felt great to hear myself say, “I love my home life. I love everything about it, and I love being around my family.” My home life is obviously in part up to you guys, and you have always made me feel comfortable, happy, safe, and accepted.

I thank you for being yourselves, because by doing so you taught me to always be myself. I respect and love the way you both have always shared your opinions and multiple perspectives with me. I have learned the most in my life from your answers to my questions.

Molly

——————————————————————————–

Kent’s Reply

Dear Tomer –

I’m addressing this through you to all the students who used Letters to My Son as the basis for writing to your parents. I’m counting on you to pass this message around.

I’m fascinated by your assignment, and the heart with which most of you responded. It ’s tough to speak from the heart, especially to parents. I know — I am one, and I can see my son struggling to find his own place and his own voice in the world that my wife and I have for so long controlled. I hope he will have the courage to speak to me from his heart as he moves into his high school years.

Just a few thoughts. There is a cry of anguish in so many of your letters. It’s as if you are saying, “Listen to me, notice me.” And, in many ways, you are. Your parents need to hear this, even if it is hard for them. But be sure that you don’t write from anger when you mean to write from love. Anger is just the firstborn child of sadness and betrayal. If those of you who are angry look behind that anger, you will see that it is betrayal that is at the heart of your dissatisfaction. What you must ask yourself is why you feel betrayed. What was it you expected that you are not receiving? And, once you figure that out, how can you ask for it in a way that will not put your parents on the defensive and make you feel like a fool for reaching out?

Tough questions, tough issues. But growing up is tough.

One thing to keep in mind when writing something like the assignment you just did: try to find the theme of the letter you are writing, and keep that theme always in mind. If it is “time,” for example, let that be your touchstone, and come back to that touchstone as you write, so you don’t end up going off on a diatribe or litany of complaints. All writing is, at heart, about finding your voice and having clear intention. Most of you seem to be finding your voice, which will serve you well in all forms of expression. Now, begin looking for the “spine” of whatever you write. Think of it this way — a body can do whatever it wants in terms of movement and gesture, but to do so it must have a spine. Likewise, whatever you write must have a thematic spine in order that you can be free to move around with intellectual agility and grace.

Keep up the good work, and keep telling the truth with kindness and honesty about life as you see it. Your time is coming. Learn now to do no harm to each other — to never treat each other with cruelty, whether verbal, emotional, or physical. It’s a lesson well worth learning.

I hope one of you will write to me and tell me where your school is, who your teacher is, and what grade you are all in. Right now, all I know is that you come from yahoo. com. That’s a big planet.

All my best,

Kent Nerburn

I struggle with this issue constantly. I believe that imaginative sympathy combined with insight born of research or deep spiritual immersion can produce enough affinity for an author to at least brush against another’s self-understanding. But, at the same time, we each have a sacrosanct knowledge, perhaps personal, perhaps cultural, that is inviolable and unreachable by others.

I do not believe in spiritual appropriation, and we have taken most everything not nailed down from the various Indian peoples of this continent. But we are common creatures of a common species, and our capacity for joy, love, fear, and hope is what binds us together as humans. The challenge is to assert the commonality without trying to steal the uniqueness.

It is risky business, and we do not always get it right. But if we are not willing to take this risk, we cannot be creators. It is only by touching what is common that writers, musicians, painters, dancers, and all other makers are able to communicate beyond themselves. I guess the key is, indeed, personal authenticity, for the authentically human is where we all meet. And getting below the various veneers is the only way to achieve this meeting.

I thank the two readers for writing. The one enriched me, the other saddened me. As Dan said of me in Neither Wolf nor Dog, I’m a bit of a coward because I’m afraid of other people’s anger. It’s true. I take no pleasure in making others angry. It feels like a failure, not like a success, and I try to avoid it if possible.

But such is the writer’s, and creator’s life.

I could go on, but my family is starting to get up. My son in a cast for a broken wrist, my wife with people to meet and places to go, my failed Labrador with dog business (no swimming or fetching, please) to which to attend, and a couple of cats, one of whom appears to have emerged from his nocturnal activities with a broken tail.

I’ll go out to my writing cabin and move forward, hoping that the prose I create will touch some reader a year or two down the road. Hopefully, it will be a good touch. But maybe it will open a wound. I won’t know until it is published and read. Until then, all I’ve got is the gut feeling that something I write is either authentic or artificial. It’s a decent compass, and one I’ve learned to trust.

Keep in touch.